Reframing Challenging Conversations

I might be just speaking for myself here, but one of the more challenging parts of coaching are those times where we’ve got to be honest with our people and we know they’re probably not going to like it. Depending on your context, this might be a selection conversation, a change in role conversation, or a 'we need more from you’ conversation. Navigating these conversations well is fundamental to being successful in your role, because these conversations can and do happen often. So while these are often called challenging conversations, I’d like to reframe them to necessary conversations. Let’s look at why they’re challenging first before then exploring how we can be more skillful during them.

What is it about conversations regarding selection, contracts, roles and behaviour that make those conversations challenging? According to Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, authors of the fantastic book ‘thanks for the feedback’, a key reason is “receiving feedback sits at the intersection of two human needs - our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance”. There is a natural tension between these two needs, which is why these conversations are so challenging. If we’re telling a player they’re not getting a contract, or their ranking is dropping, naturally they’re going to be disappointed. What underpins that feeling of disappointment is that first human need from above, the drive to “learn” – to feel like I’m improving or I’m progressing. When we’re having these conversations, we’re challenging that need. Essentially, we’re saying to players ‘you’re not improving fast enough’ or ‘others are improving faster than you’……. aka ‘you’re not learning’. 

I want to make a key point here, which is that a key part of our role as coaches is to help our people understand where they sit and if they’re learning. So, for me, this is the part of challenging conversations we can’t shy away from. We can’t change the fact that we’re in the business of evaluating people. We need to accept it. That’s why these conversations are necessary.

As highlighted above though, there is another core human need we need to address in these conversations - the need to feel accepted. Necessary conversations are challenging for us because we’re trying to walk the tightrope between need one (learning) and need two (acceptance). How do we balance saying ‘you need to do more’ with ‘but we still want you here’. Where I believe we should focus to become more skilled in these conversations is understanding how to talk to the acceptance need. It’s where we can make the most ground. So, effectively, the goal of these necessary conversations becomes:

I’ve broken down a few ideas below and grouped them into three sections to help with this:

Before we even need to have these conversations (so thinking proactively and long term):

• Hold regular check ins with your players where you show you care about them. This can go a long way towards them feeling like they're accepted. How often do you give them a call or grab an informal coffee and chat, away from training or your ‘sport’ environment. That's sending the message to them you care, and they are accepted.

• Show empathy with them when things aren't going well. For example, if they aren't picked and travelling with the team, sending them a text or showing them in some way that you're thinking of them. The messaging here is saying ‘hey, you’re on my mind even though you’re not here with us’ - it’s showing them they're accepted and you care about them. 

 During these conversations:

• Use language that consistently aligns to care, for example "I haven't been looking forward to this chat with you, because of the connection we have and the respect I have for you and your career" or "I've tried to be open and approachable to you throughout this process and I hope you've felt that". Often the triggers for people here relate directly to that need of "I'm accepted" not being met, so we want to use language that affirms that as much as we can. 

• Don’t expect the conversation to be resolved on the spot. If we’re challenging someone’s need for acceptance, you may need to give them some space to think about what you’ve said, identify any questions they want to ask and just let the dust settle. Allow the player to exit the conversation if they need to, but provide an olive branch to enter back into it when they’re ready.

 After these conversations:

• After these conversations, there needs to be clarity around a clear way forward for the player (how can they show you they’re learning and improving) and a recognition that the relationship is intact, e.g. "we're ok here". Again, that doesn't need to happen in the moment but can happen a few days after if needed. So, giving that player a call a couple of days after to check in, to give them a chance to ask questions or seek clarification. Importantly, we can’t always assume the player will proactively connect with us, no matter how many times we say ‘our door is open’. So the onus might be on us to be the one to reconnect and check back in.

I firmly believe in the idea that players want to feel like their coach cares about them. But I also think they appreciate and respect coaches who don’t shy away from conversations that let them know where they stand, if they’re picked or if they’re dropping the ball. So, let’s lean in to these conversations, but do it in a way that speaks to both critical human needs, learning AND acceptance.

For more on this, have a listen to this podcast from Shane McLeod, a New Zealand Hockey coach who took Belgium to Olympic Gold, and World Champs Gold. There’s so many gold nuggets in here from Shane, but listen out for how he approaches building relationships with his players from a place of care, so those necessary conversations are a bit easier:

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